Going through a break up isn’t going to be smooth sailing – there’s going to be tears, times when you feel so horrible you can’t leave your bed and countless conversations of overanalyzing what went wrong to your girlfriends. But this is all part of the process – that’s the truth about breakups (read more here).
Sure after a few months you might not think about him or even love him at all anymore, but if you’ve been wondering and wanting to give him that text or call just to see how he’s doing – the question is: should you contact him? Whether it was your first or your most recent ex, there’s always the one ex that lingers on your mind, that you miss or will spontaneously think about during your day – you begin to wonder should I get back with him?
Ask yourself these 6 important questions:
1. Why do you want to get talk to him again? Are you looking for friendship or romance?
Think about why you have been thinking about him. Do you purely miss his company and want to become friends again or do you miss being in a relationship with him and want to rekindle that? Before anything is to happen – figure out why you want him back in your life and be ready to accept that maybe you can’t be in each others lives, romantically or otherwise.
2. Have you forgiven him?
Whether you got dumped, you broke up with him or it was a mutual breakup – there’s bound to be reasons why you think he should apologise and admit he was in the wrong. In order to even think about getting back with your ex, you need to have truly forgive him for any wrongdoings in the relationships, no matter how significant or trivial. Even if you aren’t going to try and rekindle your relationship with your ex, for your own sake you’ll need to forgive him and yourself to be able to move on.
3. Have you forgiven yourself?
Surely you’ve talked to your girlfriends about why you broke up and if you could have done anything to prevent it; if the breakup was because of something you did. You need to stop beating yourself up. Being critical of yourself is helpful only if you learn from your mistakes and gain some perspective for future relationships. In order to begin the healing process, you need to forgive yourself before anything else can happen.
4. Can you handle it if he wants nothing to do with you?
Think about why you broke up and if there could be a romantic reconciliation, if you’ve forgiven him and yourself for breaking up and if you’re ready for the possibility of getting rejected. He might not want to have anything to do with you and you’ll need to be ready to face that head on. He might want to start out as friends and take it slow but still hold some hostility towards you. Think it through and think about whether you’re really ready to go through it all again – the good and the bad though hopefully with changes in the relationship for the better.
5. Was the relationship healthy?
How did he treat you while you were both together? Does he bring out the best in you? Did he make you laugh, make you genuinely happy and love spending time with you? True it doesn’t really matter what your friends or family thought of him – they’re on the outside, though have your best interests at heart. If you both can meet each other in the middle, agree to compromise and be better for each other then it’s worth it.
6. Do you love HIM or the IDEA of him?
Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish if you love him or just the idea of being in a relationship. If you have to think about it too much or try to justify being with him – then it’s not worth it. Love should be easier, but we all know sometimes it just isn’t. True some relationships just run smoothly while others (like yours or mine) might feel like it’s us against the world – this isn’t to say it’s not worth working on or giving it a chance. Just because you love him or he loves you doesn’t mean the relationship will work unless both parties are willing to compromise and really work hard on making it work.
Remember that time has passed since your breakup with your ex and alot could have happened in between your breakup and this rekindling. Take things as it comes, set yourself no expectations, because while you might have forgiven him and yourself – he might not have.
Doing the are-we-dating-yet phone call/text dance means taking it slow and trying to read whether he’s interested; he might just genuinely just want to be friends. Whether you’ve been thinking about becoming friends with an ex or giving it another go – be sure to think it through and try not to make the same mistakes as the first time round.
You survived without being in a relationship and lived your life fine, so don’t try and justify or substitute a relationship just because. Just know that you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy. Most importantly you should love and respect yourself before going back to dating.